Missing Mommy

“Little drunk and home sick.. want to chat with a pretty chick like u… can we?”

Translation: Will you stroke my hair while I rub one out? Pwease?

"You’re sexy, what’s your background?"
Translation: Hey ambiguously ethnic girl, just want to know how to appropriately fetishize you.

"You’re sexy, what’s your background?"

Translation: Hey ambiguously ethnic girl, just want to know how to appropriately fetishize you.

iRobot

"indulging in weird firm if art. Yes that’s the phrase I couldn’t come up with because I’m not an art for sure haha Well hello there"

Translation: Bleep bloop bloop bleep blop bleep bloop.

Oops.

"Hey there! I just signed up for this site. And I saw your profile right away and thought..wow, what a babe! Haha. Hope you’re a awesome gal and you’d like to chat more!"

Translation: Just chilling in my dorm/hospital room, and thought I’d reach out and…. oh gosh, so sorry, didn’t realize that guy below already messaged you.

Meta

"Hi there! You seem very interesting and witty. How was your weekend? I’ve got face pics as well and can share them via email if you’d like (new to the whole online dating scene)"

Translation: Don’t worry, girl! There’s a smile attached to all this modesty and manscaping.

Abracadabra

"What kind of magic are you into? Are we talking, ‘tricks are something a whore does for money’ magic? Or, ‘One does not simply walk into Mordor’ magic?”

Translation: Hey B*#ch, would you rather suck my dick for a Lord of the Rings DVD, or a $20 bill?

Jonestown

"You are just so gosh darn adorable. I’m just going to have to adopt you as my little sister. We can climb trees and drink kool-aid!"

Translation: Suicide pact.

Excuse me, little girl

"hey, I came across your profile and think we would be a great match. I am perhaps a bit older than you but I do typically date a bit younger since I find women my age to lack of adventurous. Perhaps we could grab a drink?"

Translation: Women my age can’t stand me, teenagers are illegal, I’ll settle for you if you have of adventurous (or, are cool with my identifying as an adult baby). 

GTL

"Hey gorgeous what are you up to this weekend? I just got home from the gym in my building and I thought id send you a msg. I think we have some things in common and we would get along. Anyways message this hockey boy back if your interested. Ps im also a psychology minor and ur eyes say so much about you sexually. I’ll prove it if you dont believe me :)"

Translation:

image